the daily box v.3

i’ve been online since i was about 10 or so, so just about half my life. there have been a lot of interests i’ve filtered through, from gaia rps and neopets to translation livejournals and video making. i haven’t ever posted something and felt embarrassed about it, and yet, recently with my friends stalking all my older posts, it feels like their peeking into something incredibly private, even though at the times i posted previously, i had been proud of my work. 

so why is it that i feel the need to hide old things? am i being overly self conscious? is it that i’m actually embarrassed of past passions? am i worried that people will find the real me? maybe i’m hiding. secretly i want to be found, but in that process it is like having barriers of comfort broken into, and that is likely what makes me feel uncomfortable. the things i write here, i am proud of. they’re like self achievements and personal accomplishments in growing for me, and although i don’t mind it being read - i don’t mind people seeing me for who i am - i want them to understand that my passions are meant to be understood and felt, rather than ‘accepted’ and shared. 

it’s public, yet personal, private, yet not something i am ashamed of. i wish people understood this.

everyone feels loneliness, whether it is for a moment, or an extended period of time. sometimes i wake up feeling left out, be it justified or not. sometimes i mope, other times i will go and actively seek company. it’s strange, because it comes and it goes. most of the time, i’m content to be left without company, but occasionally it just washes over me, and i’m in sudden need of company. 

i feel like that from time to time, and the longest I’ve ever felt that way was for about half a year - the first semester of my first year in uni. separated from my high school friends i didn’t think would be that lonely, but before I knew it, an empty feeling had built up, and it felt like everyday was spent on auto pilot, going to uni, going back home. i remember that emptiness, and i think that that has built up a fear in me that I might experience it again some day. although i’ve found a lovely little niche for myself now, i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to fully trust that they wont leave me some day. perhaps it’s because i’ve floated from group to group many times in the past year, after having had a stable group for six years. maybe it’s the disbanding of the himitsu club i cherished dearly before. many things have happened in the past year. sometimes, i feel like the world has betrayed me. but other times, i feel like i’ve awakened from a long dream and come back to reality.

loneliness is an incredibly overwhelming feeling of sadness that is hard to shake away completely. as introverted as i am, as much as i never want to go out with said friends, i want to be secure in the knowledge that someone has my back. the world is made of stupid people, but as individuals, i like them very much.

not that it is a common occurrence - i guess it happens now because we’re just at that spring time of youth age - but i really loathe having to turn down people. it may sound a bit uppity, but like i said, it’s not one a week, it’s more like one every six years, honestly, if i were to divide it up by age or something to that liking. to begin with, i’m not one who initiates, or deals well with conflict and/or confrontation unless it is beneficial to me, or my values and beliefs have been challenged to a point where i must make a stand to defend myself and my well being. if i see a confession coming, or a pointless fight, i find that my first instinct is to run or avoid. it’s certainly not an instinct i’m proud of, but it is just that - an instinct - and generally, i know better than to do so.

nevertheless, having to turn someone down is not an affair one should be happy about. some people like to lead others on for the fulfilment of their own ego, but that is clearly not something one should be bragging about. it’s a painful process, and one side is always going to be hurt, assuming that all feelings are genuine. it doesn’t matter for how long the pain will last, because the pain is there, and even if it is not visible, it is very much real. in ten years you might not remember it, but maybe someone else will. maybe neither of you will remember it, but to your selves of now, it is a big deal. or a huge deal. it matters in the present, and your immediate future.

i always thought that i was just lacking socially in some way, not knowing how to deal with or prevent feelings. i may only be realizing this now, but i guess there isn’t always a way for everyone involved to be happy. there are always options, alternatives, but sometimes, there isn’t one where the outcome is smiles on both ends. and realizing that is also quite difficult. in any case, the only way i can deal with such things is to speak the truth by my perspective. you must always consider the others’ feelings, but when it also involves the self in such proximity, then it is also necessary to assert one’s own selfish thoughts, because such is truth. as for how much is to be asserted, that is dependant on those involved, and the circumstances of which everything revolves around.

we’re young. we may have an idea of what we want in the long run, but there will be compromises involved. in saying that, by turning someone down in the present, there is the risk that one is self-cock-blocking (excuse the term). there is the chance that it will be a missed chance, there is the thought that you might not be giving the other a fair chance, the thought that you could be ruining a perfectly good friendship. but aren’t those all irrationalities? what you feel (want) now is exactly what you feel now. although consideration to your future self, and what is best for you, ultimately, you know what you want, or you should. if you block yourself now, it is because you have doubts in the present, which would not lead to a healthy start. probably. if you don’t know the other well enough, then you can’t jump into things. if you know the person well enough, then you have a good idea as to if it is going to work in a healthy way. giving a fair chance is only necessary if you honestly think a fair chance is possible. if you have doubts that you may or may not be willing to look over, that’s still not quite fair. as for friendship, it probably wasn’t a pure friendship if a rejection is all it takes to end it.

life is difficult sometimes. we do things we don’t want to do. we want things we may not be able to have. we strive higher and challenge ourselves, yet the higher we try to reach, the further away it seems. balancing wants, necessities, rationalities, irrationalities, everything builds up. it is stressful, but we endure. we learn what is best for us, and juggle that with the conflicting desires of what we yearn for. people come, people go, with some staying as a constant, and others flitting away before you’ve taken notice. words make you smile, words make you sad. sometimes we have to make others smile, and, sometimes we have to make others sad too. and that hurts. it conflicts with the desire to make others happy, ad also will conflict with self interest. i wish that everyone could be happy, but that is incredibly idealistic. i can still hope for a better tomorrow though.

for everyone. 

a talk over common interests with a good friend today led to several moments of self contemplation and deep thought on my part. and perhaps he was right. i have a love for being loved. of course i don’t mean only romantically, but rather love as a whole. family love, friend love, romantic love, pet love. all types of an invisible bond and unspoken affection. i thought deeply about it, and realize that many of my social actions revolve around the realizing of such bonds. 

i do things for people quite often when i have the time. while it does benefit them, i think that primarily my motive for doing so is because i know that the completion of such tasks result in an affirmation of love. it’s things like people saying ‘i have got your back’, or ‘i will be there for you’, ‘it is nice to have someone around’, ‘talking to you makes me happy’, that really makes me happy. materialistic desires aside, socially, this sort of acceptance without being too flashy is what i yearn for, i suppose. 

w asked me about my ideal a while back. i hadn’t honestly given my ideal that much thought. there was always an idol who’s appearance appealed enough for me to just say ‘that is my ideal!’ and yet, in my daydreamy fantasies, they all interacted with me in the same way, despite what exterior persona they had. no matter how much i can get along with someone, i think my ideal partner romantically would be someone who i can enjoy my life with quietly, but not in a way that is boring, switching between routine and spontaneity. we wouldn’t go out on dates, instead opting to do our own things in a shared space. the kind of companionship that e gives me, who is able to provide me the same comfort that a gives me, and the reassurance that w provides me. i would like that. and even if i never find that in someone, i would be glad just to have friends who have my back.

today was a great day.

often before something i’m excited over happens, i come down with a fever. whether it’s because my mind is running faster than actual time, or because secret anxieties are eating at me where i can’t see them, i don’t know, but it happens. i’m going to japan, and as excited as i actually am, i can’t see it as reality - it hasn’t hit me that i’m actually going to japan. i can say it, i can read it, i can tell people, however it hasn’t kicked in yet, and i know it will do so soon enough, ramming into me hard enough to knock me down with a fever for three days minimum.

i’m honestly a little scared. as happy as i am, this will be my first trip overseas where i’ll actually be independent, with no stable reminder of home other than the bags i bring and the clothes on my back. there will be all the comforts of a regular living space, but will i be lonely? will i get lost again? is something going to change my life while i’m there? will i miss something big while i am gone? i certainly don’t wish for anything big to happen at home while i am away, and yet i know it must be harder for my parents, seeing the youngest go off into the world, where anything could happen.

the biggest worry i have is, will i be lonely? it is a subject i love to study, japanese, and i have a passion to learn it, a drive to be able to use it, and motivation to be able to work it to my benefit. and yet, will other factors blind me from these things? it’s going to be summer, unlike my last trip. perhaps if it were the same season, i would feel that the cheek-biting cold air, soft warmth of my scarf, and the cushy feel of my coat would bring back the nostalgia of my last experience in the country, enough to make me feel safe. however, this time, it’s going to be a raw experience, and i wonder how i will take to 3 weeks without the comforts of my friends. i’m scared, i’m excited, unprepared, and yet so ready.

loneliness is something for a future post. i don’t think i’m ready to confront myself by typing it out yet. there are a few things like that, but, i will get it down as text some day, and i will be okay with it, as i have come to terms with the other things on this tumblr. from time to time i wonder if the way i think is healthy, but it’s all okay. i don’t think i’m in a depressing world, just in a world where things are so simple, that the smallest of offsetting things seem like complexities. even so, i think i am a little more than just content.

ok, goodnight.

i don’t think i’m as ambitious as i wish i were. i have a few very vague goals in life, so vague in fact, that although i can see the finish line, the path in front of me is hazy and hard to navigate through. like i’ve told one of my dear friends though, everything needs to be taken day by day. bit by bit until the path is clear and you’re at the goal.  

but i digress, i have several more specific goals - or maybe we’ll call them sub-goals, since they fall under my vague goals - in life that’s path to succession is significantly clearer. they’re not narrowed down into straight paths, but are more or less branches of the tree i am currently climbing. i have many doubts, worries, and alone at night, anxiety sometimes consumes me, but no matter if the branch i hold onto breaks, i will keep aiming to the next highest branch to grab a hold of, until i’m at the peak looking down.

i want to write this down for the me who will inevitably fall at some point along this strenuous climb, because it has been told to me so many times that i really should get the message by now, and i should stop bugging people for support when i’m falling, because i am - you are - strong enough to pull yourself together, no matter what your circumstances lead you to believe. 

you want to do something you love. you love what you’re doing, because this is the path you have chosen for yourself. it is your choice alone, and only you know what is best for yourself. despite anything that happens, only look forward and keep your intentions close to heart, because everything will be alright as long you keep a high standard for yourself and those around you, and you remember why you’re doing what you are. there are people who love you, you are not alone, nor the only one the world revolves around, so man the fuck up, because a real lady can very well save her damn self. 

sometimes i wonder what everything would be like if people did not keep feelings and thoughts to themselves at all. a world that is completely honest and where nothing is withheld. blunt truth, raw emotion; it is both fantastical and yet primitive. but our world has more structure - we withhold some knowledge for sorts of benefit, because we feel it is just to do so. our society looks down on those who withhold nothing and labels them rash, rude, uncouth. it would be lying to say that i think a completely honest world would be perfect - au contraire, i think there would be a lot more violent action with all those sensitive feelings hurt. or, would we grow up to be used to such blunt honesty? either way, i don’t believe such a world would be all that great. although, if in our society, we learnt what we should be honest about, i think i would find the world’s population a lot less stupid.

being more specific, thinking you like someone and then asking about them behind their back as opposed to getting to know that person by actual interaction is possibly one of the stupidest actions i believe one can take. it’s not as if i haven’t ever done so myself, but recently seeing it laid in front of me, i can’t help but feel completely irked by such stupidity. there are other cases though, in which perhaps  man ‘a’ likes female, and out of respect to either his own, or her friend, will not make his feelings known. although i can understand those sorts of circumstances, it also irritates me that one side will get the shorter end of the stick. even if only for that period of time, in general, someone will get the shorter end. i may think people are stupid, but people are also innately good.

there are those who hide their feelings for fear of rejection, those who hide them because of uncertainty, those who hide them because they know there is no chance, those who hide them because they don’t want to create tension, drama, conflict, or ruin what they already have. at the same time, there is the other party who seeks one who will accept them, who matches their ideal, who they can stand to be with for long periods of time. to the onlooker, it’s a glorified game of social hide and seek, and yet to be either the hider or the seeker is both thrilling and painful.

whoever likened romance to chess had it wrong, because you don’t have all your pieces set in front of you: i prefer to think of it as a card game. learning from past mistakes, i think that when it comes to the romantic interest, the cards should be laid down as soon as you’re sure of your hand. hide and seek is not only thrilling and painful, but also dangerous if you slip, or when you find something you wish you hadn’t. that isn’t to say that you should reveal your hand at once, but to do so if asked. lies lead to more lies, and perhaps severe consequences and regrets in the long run. 

i started this tumblr to use as a kind of diary for thoughts and emotion, rather than a concrete storytelling of my day. it is both for me, and for whoever finds this to read, and if i am ever called out on it, i will vehemently deny the fact that i am the sole author. it’s not something i write to get rid of angst, but is something i write to reflect upon who i am now, so that future me can be reminded of the things she has learnt in the past, and what she should keep dear to remember. at this point in time, i feel like i’m crossing the line between childhood and young adulthood. it has it has highs and lows; decisions that need to be made, moments of hesitance that should not exist, and consequences to be dealt with. i honestly foresee something big happening, and i don’t really want to confront it, but i will do my best to handle this.

youth is difficult, but beautiful.  

since i was really little, there have always been figures that i have been drawn to. not necessarily in a romantic sense, but those i look up to and strive to become like. i’m sure everyone has experienced this at one point, be it admiration towards a public figure, or someone whose works have been inspiration to thought-provoking topics. do we look towards those who are content with their lives, or those who are in pursuit of something further? we are drawn to those we figure to be our ‘ideal’, and it is something that is subjective and dependant on the person and their core motives.

i like ikimono gakari’s kiyoe. the first time i listened to hanabi back in year 7 or 8, her voice touched me deeply, but i didn’t think of looking for any more of her music. i suppose that has much to do with the fact that back then, the internet was ‘smaller’ in the sense that i hadn’t developed a good enough understanding of its workings to be able to utilize it fully. i’ve gotten the chance to watch a recording of her 2011 concert, and i have realized why i was so drawn to her. it’s not just her though; i have realized what i look for in people as a whole.

we’re bound by a lot of things that the super ego imposes on us, that society conditions us to believe and hold true to, and yet, it’s the same safety and comfort zone that protects us, binding us. once that is realized, it becomes somewhat more difficult to find peace with yourself. at least, in my case, that is how i see it. and yet, to the people i have looked up to and am looking up to, they appear completely comfortable and happy, even, with their lives, despite the shackles that snare them.

i can, and i cannot understand it. when i sit down to think about it, i am content. there are many things i want in the long run, but i am content where i sit. there are ups and downs in my life as there are in the lives of others, but i always wonder what it would be like to break all expectations and do something dramatic and completely uncalled for. the people i admire have a quality of happiness and freedom in them, despite being tied down by the world that society has conjured through years of tradition and transition. 

happiness, safety, freedom.

they all possess at least two of these qualities. and so, no matter how down i get, or how big my ego is ever inflated to, these will be the things i will always look towards as a guide. i will be happy. i will be safe. i will be free. i will make these happen.

because i want to be strong too.

i always thought there was something wrong with me. there had to be a reason why i just couldn’t enjoy the whole partying thing in high school and early uni - a reason why i never could settle down in a group where i didn’t know anyone. and then, i found out i wasn’t alone in this, and many other things i always thought was just a ‘me thing’. the whole mbti thing is not a definition of a specific person, but i found that it hit close to home for me, which struck a chord. i’m not the only one out there who feels that way. furthermore, there were others who understood a lot of the deep, intensive sort of feelings i had, though not the exact same feelings, but the principles behind it.

the enneagram actually scared me though. it felt like someone was looking into my soul, and i was suddenly given reason for the way i think. i don’t know how long i will continue to look down this path, but it’s my current boom, i guess. i don’t mind feeling the way i do. though i think a part of me will always wish i felt more at home with going out (as ironic as that does sound), i don’t feel as lonely, i suppose. not to say i’m never lonely, but that is a talk for another post.

happy birthday cassie.

i hate not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say or how to act. it’s at times when i feel this useless that i realize how little of the world i know, that i’m inadequate and ill-prepared for the future. everyone says that ‘your future will be okay if you do your best’, but that’s totally wrong, isn’t it? the future will only be okay if you learn how to adapt to situations, but what if you don’t know how, and there are no step-by-step guides or universal laws to teach me?

i pride myself in my ability to get through things, but i think this will always be one hurdle i cannot cross. as much as i like learning by hard experience, this sort of thing is like a road block. there is so much i want to convey, and yet again, words will fail me. they look nothing like how i intend, and instead seem superficial and overly optimistic. it’s not what i mean. i can’t tell you what i really mean. i’m sorry.

at this point, i will just hope for the best for you. i wish i didn’t have to tell you that you’re always welcome, but i know that you already know you are. so i guess, it’s okay.